Free Write Story So Far

I have recently completed what I hope is the final edit of a children's book. I would like to say that writing it has been a delight but it hasn't. Like all other forms of writing for me it has presented myriad challenges along the way - some of which were practically predetermined by the previously written draft I was working on which presented the first of many of those challenges. Instead of doing the sensible and perhaps brave thing and using it as a guide and taking only the substance from it, I have sought to improve it by degrees. This has resulted in the story being too loose in it's point of view structure and tone. 

The template, and I'm happy to call it that, was constructed by a third person, notably the person with the original motivation for the story plot. My job initially was to spruce it up - check grammar, structure, spelling, character traits, continuity, dialogue, plot holes - that sort of thing. But bit by bit employing  a kind of layering process which I have used with my own writing - I have changed just about everything. All that is except point of view in that the story isn't told by any one of the individual characters. Instead I have continued with the god like omniscience of the author knowing all. Many times I have wanted to access the thoughts of some of the stronger more prominent characters and then resisted - pretty much only allowing me, the author that luxury. 

But this has not helped me. Quite why I didn't make the change to the story where it is seen the through the eyes of one of the central characters I don't know. My suspicion is that as a children's stories access to one characters thoughts - almost inevitably a child's - would present structural and stylistic issues and perhaps and interfere with the quality of the writing. My thoughts here are that a child's thoughts would be based on too limited a world view and lacking in the sophistication needed to professionalize the story into something acceptably readable. I may be wrong about this, but for some reason I certainly stayed with authorial control and found it impossible to drop - even though it proved problematic.  

The beginning has caused me loads of problems. I seem to be yoked to the 'look at the little children sleeping in their beds. Should we wake them and tell them there's an adventure about to start' kind of thing. Instead of say: Olivia yawned as she woke and looked out of the window. 

   'great the sun is shining, 'she yelled as she ran down the stairs nearly falling over the cat. 'Out the way buster, she screamed, I've got a date with a dead wizard!' She looked into the kitchen and realized that since her parents were already out she could leave without having her breakfast, washing her face or cleaning her shoes. this will be, she thought, a great day in the life of Olivia Grantchester.

The opening actually gives the impression of a camera focusing on a group of children gazing out of the window at school and wondering what was going on and why they were all due to meet up secretly under the chestnut tree at break time. No ones's thoughts are accessed, the story teller is describing the scene. This seems to have stifled the opening and to an extent the whole book.